Cause that's how it feels right now. And you say it's not.
Don't really know what to say. Don't really know what to do. I'm too clingy, apparently. I try to hard to be with this guy, apparently. Need to back off, need to stop reading into things, need to stop caring. You know what's funny about that last one? I cared about him sleeping (just sleeping) with his lesbian friend Annie when I first met him. I cared, it hurt a lot, I kept it to myself. No one else needed to know that. At that time I was much better at keeping my feelings under wraps. No one needed to know that I was actually in love with this person or fucking this person's boyfriend, or fucking hated this person. No one needed to know that and so no one did.
( Now I can't keep shit to myself, if only because my friends can easily tell when I'm upset and typically can tell why as well. So much for keeping my feelings to myself.Collapse )
I wonder if he'd notice if I just disappeared.
Or maybe he's testing me like he's testing all of his other friends?
Maybe I already failed my test?
I love a guy. And it's somehow not right. I'm not doing it right.
I creep him out or freak him out or annoy him or upset him cause I love him and the way I love him isn't the way he wants me to love him. I get upset at things that I shouldn't. I get too happy at things that aren't that exciting. He understands but disagrees. I'm just not right.
But that's not how it is. I get high, and I get horny for HIM. I want to rub up against him and grab his hips and pull them tight to mine. I want to run my fingers through his hair and kiss and nibble up and down his neck, and then keep nibbling til I get to the good parts and find how many licks it takes to get to the center of that tootsie pop. I want to have sweet, slow, magical sex with him that involves mostly cuddles and laughs and kisses and caresses, and I want hard, rough, scary sex that involves mostly sharps objects and bruises and screams of pleasure mixed with pain. I want quick and dirty and slow and sensual.
So when I am high, I get horny. And when I get horny, I want HIM and really no one else.
It's not like he ruined me for sex. He's the best I've had, but I'm wouldn't doubt that there's "better" out there. But I want to have sex with HIM cause he's just that damn amazing and I would rather have him than anyone else. And I'd rather be with HIM than anyone else. But how do you explain that to someone?
How do you tell that to the other person without making them feel guilty and bad for not feeling the same way? I don't want to hurt them by telling them how much I love them . . .