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21 December 2012 @ 12:00 am
Sometimes I just need to get the random out.
random random random squirrelCollapse )

location: Lost
30 August 2012 @ 11:18 am
So hung out with my ex-boyfriend/friend Daniel last night. Was fun up until I got food poisoning. And then was told by Ben I shouldn't go back to the friend's house I'd been sleeping at. Wouldn't be surprised if Ben had sex with Liz. So I took an Ambien so I could just pass the fuck out. Woke up woozy as all hell randomly in the middle of the night to find Daniel having sex with me. Apparently he's pro at having sex with sleeping people. Half awake, shove him away, roll over, pass out again. Wake up in the morning. Get a text from my next door neighbor telling me they're leaving. Totally had forgotten that I'm housesitting for them this weekend. Realized I lost the only 12 dollars I have. Don't know what the fuck to do about any of this. Plus side? Took pregnancy test and I'm not preggo. And I'm also out of cigarettes.
16 August 2012 @ 11:01 pm
So I broke again. Had a few hours of pure amazingness only to lose it again. Lose everything again. Like I was just broken up with again. Like I fucking failed everything again. I thought it was okay, and I thought everything would be okay. Then I was nothing again. Fucking nothing. If he was anyone else, I'd almost think that he did this on purpose. Just to break me again. Fuck this. Fuck this fuck this fuck this.
24 June 2012 @ 06:50 pm
Then just tell me you don't want me anymore. Tell me that you can't stand me anymore. Tell me you regret having been with me. Tell me that you don't really want to hang out anymore or talk anymore. Tell me that I'm not what is keeping you here. Tell me that I'm not even important anymore. Tell me it was all in my head when you said you could see yourself with me for forever.

Cause that's how it feels right now. And you say it's not.
22 June 2012 @ 12:00 am
I guess I'm done trying to be with you or around you or near you.
18 June 2012 @ 10:59 pm

Don't really know what to say. Don't really know what to do. I'm too clingy, apparently. I try to hard to be with this guy, apparently. Need to back off, need to stop reading into things, need to stop caring. You know what's funny about that last one? I cared about him sleeping (just sleeping) with his lesbian friend Annie when I first met him. I cared, it hurt a lot, I kept it to myself. No one else needed to know that. At that time I was much better at keeping my feelings under wraps. No one needed to know that I was actually in love with this person or fucking this person's boyfriend, or fucking hated this person. No one needed to know that and so no one did.

Now I can't keep shit to myself, if only because my friends can easily tell when I'm upset and typically can tell why as well. So much for keeping my feelings to myself.Collapse )

17 June 2012 @ 11:13 pm
I feel like he's telling me to give up. Like he's telling me that this has gone too far and I should be leaving now.

I wonder if he'd notice if I just disappeared.

Or maybe he's testing me like he's testing all of his other friends?

Maybe I already failed my test?
16 June 2012 @ 02:41 am
He makes me feel creepy. Not creeped out. I feel creepy.

I love a guy. And it's somehow not right. I'm not doing it right.
I creep him out or freak him out or annoy him or upset him cause I love him and the way I love him isn't the way he wants me to love him. I get upset at things that I shouldn't. I get too happy at things that aren't that exciting. He understands but disagrees. I'm just not right.
How do you explain to a person that when you get horny, you get horny for them? My ex worries about when I'm on drugs because I get horny and when I get horny, I have sex with people. How can he trust me if I get high and then fuck random people?

But that's not how it is. I get high, and I get horny for HIM. I want to rub up against him and grab his hips and pull them tight to mine. I want to run my fingers through his hair and kiss and nibble up and down his neck, and then keep nibbling til I get to the good parts and find how many licks it takes to get to the center of that tootsie pop. I want to have sweet, slow, magical sex with him that involves mostly cuddles and laughs and kisses and caresses, and I want hard, rough, scary sex that involves mostly sharps objects and bruises and screams of pleasure mixed with pain. I want quick and dirty and slow and sensual.

So when I am high, I get horny. And when I get horny, I want HIM and really no one else.

It's not like he ruined me for sex. He's the best I've had, but I'm wouldn't doubt that there's "better" out there. But I want to have sex with HIM cause he's just that damn amazing and I would rather have him than anyone else. And I'd rather be with HIM than anyone else. But how do you explain that to someone?

How do you tell that to the other person without making them feel guilty and bad for not feeling the same way? I don't want to hurt them by telling them how much I love them . . .